27 Jun Boundaries
It’s really important that we have boundaries and that we are fully aware of what they are. For some of us it’s very simple, we don’t even give it a second thought. For others it’s more difficult because we may have experienced some form of trauma as a youngster, and not know what good boundaries look like. This can translate to us not feeling overly confident and allowing people to take advantage of us, fitting into their way of doing things even though it doesn’t feel right.
I think for most of us if we’re comfortable in our own skin it’s not an issue and doesn’t even surface. But for the rest of us who feel less confident and unsure about how to respond to other more dominant types, it becomes more complex. One of the things I find helpful is to check in with how I’m feeling, going into my intuitive self, my 6th sense if you like, and noticing what’s signalling me.
We need to give ourselves permission to say no or to move away, even asking for time, before responding to others demands.
What you may find is that they are not comfortable with this response. There’s your first clue right there, they are not interested in what you want, or what you feel comfortable with.
Just take note of that before you start feeling bad for them.
I’ve recently experienced feeling uncomfortable with someone who matters to me a lot. After talking to my Angels about it and trusting my instinct, I decided that the issue is a boundary one, more specifically, I have been allowing my boundaries to be compromised.
I also realise after speaking to others, that this is not an uncommon experience.
So, what can we do when finding ourselves in a situation where our boundaries are ignored, while not wanting to upset somebody that matters to us?
It is over to us to be who we are, say how we feel, and value ourselves and our feelings. After all no one can do that for us. We may find that people who are used to invading our boundaries struggle with this. Too bad.
Our sense of value and self-worth is tied up with how we see ourselves and treat ourselves in the world, and it all starts with self-love. Part of that is setting boundaries and sticking to them.
For those people in your life who love you and value you – boundaries will never be an issue.
Interestingly, for those that don’t value or respect you they will happily invade your boundaries 24/7. There will NEVER be a time they will accept a No from you easily.
We do need to accept that We teach others how to treat us, and if 55% of communication is body language, it could be useful to begin using that.
Some ways that I find setting boundaries works for me include:
- Turn away from the person as they come towards you
- Don’t make eye contact quite so quickly
- Say ‘No that doesn’t work for me’
- Stick to what you say
- State ‘I’m not comfortable with that’
- Repeat 1 – 6
You will find that you may lose people in your life who struggle to understand why you are not fitting in with them, doing what they want, allowing them to invade your boundaries like they always have – and quite happily thank you.
But my question is, have they even considering your feelings? Are they really thinking about you and respecting when you say No?
Don’t ever be afraid to feel safe and comfortable by living within your own boundaries.
Have a lovely weekend everybody, look after yourself keep those loved ones close, and remember that we don’t always get it right.
But at least we try!
ToddPosted at 08:15h, 30 September
Absolutely agree with you 100%
Im someone everyone turned to for help and I could never say no, even if I was fully drained or extremely busy. So I would find the time at the expense of things that were more important to me.
And then it came to me in therapy for ptsd and the other side kickers, anxiety, depression etc that I was allowing this because I wasn’t making people accept my no as a straight NO, but instead I allowed them to walk through my boundaries and get there way. Now im strong enough to say no or simply sorry I can’t deal with that right now so you will need to find another way. It has cost me alot of so called friends, who obviously weren’t really friends if the relationship was only one based on what I could give them yet when I needed them there was nothing but a deafening silence.
Take care and keep setting those boundaries!
Gloria MastersPosted at 09:38h, 30 September
Well put Todd. It can sometimes take a while to realise what that deafening silence means, a good reminder for all of us. Thanks for commenting.