Your Child

20 Jul Your Child

Your memories emerging as your child becomes the exact age you were when the abuse occurred, is more common than you might think. As such, it is likely to be the one of the most significant triggers you will ever have.
The number of survivors that experience this phenomenon at that specific time, shows us how powerful the mind really is.

This trigger is significant in lots of ways, one of which is that we may parent differently as a result, and not always in the positive way we wish to. The issue can be that we may not see the beauty or the value in our child because it wasn’t seen in us, which means our parenting can feel somewhat lacking. Also worthy of consideration is that we will be grieving and struggling to come to terms with the truth of what happened to us, which means we are not always feeling as confident or capable of parenting well. Working with a therapist or trying a therapeutic intervention can enable you to connect the dots and realise where your touch points are.

So that you don’t overthink this or become too overwhelmed by it, remind yourself that the innocence and beauty you see in your child is reflected in your eyes.
In other words, they are yours, they are part of you, and they reflect who you are.

It never ceases to amaze me how complex our minds are in this situation; on the one hand we are called to parent the best way we can, on the other we are dealing with the most disturbing memories possible. So, what is a way to deal with this to be the best parent you can be, as well as giving to yourself so that you are not neglecting what you need as the adult survivor?

It all begins with recognising where you are at and taking it from there. This may mean that on some days you will be barely functioning, which means your expectations need to reflect that. In other words, don’t be too self-demanding or hold the bar too high and do everything to the same level you normally would.
Although a huge ask, you do need to allow the feelings to emerge as, it will make healing easier. Blocking them means they will show up in other ways. Trust me, it’s true.

This will be a very significant time for you, one of the most significant times in your life, and your mind is wanting you to accept what has happened and manage it in the best way possible. In order to do that you need to honour where you are at.
Put it this way if you were recovering from a car accident and needed a wheelchair, you would not expect yourself to be going for a run on day two.

Having a child the exact same age and sex as you were when the memories emerge, also means you may view them differently, you may become a helicopter parent, as in watching every move and making sure they are safe 100% of the time. Conversely you may feel you want them to be more independent of you, after all you had to cope, didn’t you? So just being mindful of how you are feeling and how that translates to the relationship you have with your child is key.
Naturally they must be kept safe and always protected, and in some ways so do you.

At this time in your life, you will be feeling anything but.
So just know, you are not alone, most survivors who are parents, experience what you are, and it doesn’t make you wrong, it just makes you part of a bigger group that gets it, respects you, and stands beside you.

With love to you fellow survivors.